Something New

Over a month ago. I would say that the last few months of my life has been marked by unfamiliarity. True, I was busy almost every minute of the day, I was constantly meeting new people, and I had an entire new city under my feet and an unfamiliar roof over my head. However, I felt far from comfort. Despite my efforts to avoid every sharp turn on these new roads, I was all over the place. In reality, I was accumulating more sharp turns than smooth life transitions.  I longed for full control of situations, but realized the unfortunate reality of human limitations. As a confused and (sometimes) lost driver, I came to the conclusion that I needed to improve my skills of navigating new roads and grow from (rather than avoid) my inevitable transitional challenges.  

An unknown author once said, “Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you respond.”I know it sounds cliché, but I have to admit that sometimes a cheesy inspirational quote like this could completely shift my mind to the right direction. Accordingly, I embraced its message and remembered that although I couldn’t control the unfamiliar world around me, I could control my outlook towards it. After all, I knew that time would eventually replace this feeling of an unfamiliar life with a feeling of home.  

So, I reminded myself that I was in Chicago for three reasons: 1) I heard it was a great place to live 2) I would learn to be a teacher so that I could give back to the world by educating and inspiring those who remain disadvantaged from it and 3) I wanted to learn something new (anything new). As a result, I decided to no longer focus on the unfamiliarity of my life, but rather refocus on my passion for education and learning. Chicago granted me an opportunity to change myself and my students. I realized that (as a teacher) I had the priviledge to influence and nourish the minds of the future generation. At that point, changing the world (even if it’s the world of a child) didn’t seem like an impossible task. With a slight up-shift to optimism, I hoped that I would ultimately quickly transform Chicago into my home, these unfamiliar people into my friends, and myself into a teacher. I had a whole new world to meet.

2 weeks ago.  I met my new world on the second floor of the Village Leadership Academy on South Wells St. My classroom had a medium-sized white board, a yellow wall,  huge corner windows, piled boxes, tiny chairs, and empty tables.  I had a little less than a few weeks to get it ready for the 23 kids I would be teaching this year.  As I walked around my classroom, I tried to envision the little faces looking up at me. I tried to imagine the teacher (the woman) that I needed to be for them.  

Suddenly I realized, life threw me on a different platform: adulthood. This was definitely a domain that I have only “partly” encountered prior to now. However, I knew that my new job demanded I grow up fast, whether or not I felt entirely ready. 23 young kids and hundreds of lesson plans were about to crowd my responsibilities. Clearly, I didn’t have room to slack off nor time to be distracted. I had new concerns and 24 lives to think about (including my own). Any old negative thoughts could no longer consume my mind. I needed more energy than ever to be successful.  

However, success had a whole new meaning for me. Rather than focusing on me, success rightfully refocused on them: my students. As a teacher, I had to be successful for someone else; my success had to be their success. My life would be devoted to investing my students in learning, evoking their curiosity and critical thought, introducing them to the glory of discovery, boosting their confidence, and ultimately building their young minds and hearts.  

I realized that teaching gave me the greatest opportunity to help inner city children become future leaders of this world. With that in mind, I wanted my kids (no matter how young) to understand the importance of building knowledge, promoting peace, and acting with justice. I wanted them to know that their intelligence is malleable and that our world is too: it can always get better with our efforts.  I wanted them to understand that they were in school to turn their intellectual/personal potentials into actual characteristics and their goals into actual realities. I wanted them know that once they built knowledge, it could never be taken away from them. I had a lot to teach them, and i decide to start  my first lesson on my blank white wall, which surrounded the white board. On that wall, I pasted letters that wrote: “We build our minds. We build our hearts. We can build a better world.”  As I turned and faced the rest of my classroom, I faced the overwhelming, yet empowering truth:  this was only the beginning of shaping their thinking/setting a solid foundation of who they will become. And in my eyes, they WILL be leaders. 

Today.  It’s a new feeling: I have yet to meet my students, but I already feel attached to them. I’ve been spending hours everyday preparing for their arrival and anticipating our first “hello.”  Although part of me is terrified of failing to give them the education they deserve, I am trying to learn everything I can about teaching to make sure that they reach success. I know I may sound confident, but I honestly don’t know exactly what I am doing, how this year will go, or what other “unfamiliars” I will encounter. Maybe, in the end, my previous trials of feeling lost and finding direction actually served a useful purpose: I am finally learning how to run on faith, navigate new roads, and use both of these lessons to move forward in life. After all, I realize this skill is now more important than ever.

I have 23 students in the back seat, and we start our journey tomorrow.

Spring Cleaning…One Last Thought Before I Go

“This entry is dedicated to all the people who have made an impact in my life these last 4 years. Thank you.”

Spring: It’s a new beginning of rebirth. Sunshine and happiness should be the themes of my days, but for some reason the spring time hadn’t made it to my life yet. My life was still a winter wonderland of disorganization in desperate need of new beginnings. There were countless piles of stuff to defenestrate, and I didn’t even know where to start. Sometimes I wish I could buy a mental vacuum or a spray can of mental pledge to wipe all the dust of frustrations and stress that cluttered the corners of my mind. This spring was the perfect time for me to do some spring cleaning and reorganizing of my life. With graduation just around the corner, I clearly needed reflection and new perspectives.

Someone once told me that the state of your room often reflects the state of your mind. Quite frankly, the state of my room was a mess. So the other day, I spent hours cleaning every inch of my room and bathroom. I scrubbed the shower, wiped the doors and sliding windows, and even reorganized my bookshelf alphabetically. Although my mind was still cluttered with dust of old thoughts and piles of deadlines, I hoped that the act of cleaning my room would somehow filter organization into my life as well. At some point, it did. With a 409 bottle in my hand, I thought about everything that crowded my mind and reflected on the good/bad memories and thoughts that scattered its surfaces.

I guess all transitions create some type of disorganization in people’s lives. Uncertainty, anxiety, excitement, sadness, confusion, insecurity, and confidence all crowd within us simultaneously. They often contradict one another and polarize our feelings in ways that confuse us even more. This confusion became extremely evident the other night when I was out to dinner with a friend. He asked me the popular question: “are you excited to graduate?”  I’ve been asked this question many times before, but for some reason, at that moment, I really thought hard about my answer. Initially, I wanted to say my usual “yes” that everyone expects. After all, graduation means no more papers, no more thesis, no more exams, no more bureaucratic university bull shit, and no more academic pressure to reach high percentages that inadequately reflect actual knowledge and ability. But at the same time, I couldn’t ignore the fact that graduation also meant an ending to a life that I spent four years carefully constructing; a life that I grew to love.

I miss Tucson already, and I haven’t even left. I’m overwhelmed with goodbyes, accumulating as many memories a month can hold, drinking my last college cocktails, attending my last college parties,  finishing my last undergraduate tests and papers, preparing to move to a brand new city (which I know little about), and ultimately leaving behind a place I learned to cherish.

 In less than a month, along with all the other graduates, I will be packing up 4 years of memories, old picture frames, used textbooks, and a TON of class notes and articles that I never wanted throw away (because I thought the information would come in handy one day. Just to let you know…that day has yet to come). This Tucson chapter is clearly closing much faster than I’m prepared for, and soon I will start a new chapter in Chicago. Although a day will always contain 24 hours, it seems that each day has less hours than the previous one.  My life is accumulating days faster than lessons, but I am trying to grasp everything and keep up.

Despite the fact that time moves faster than I’d like, there is no denying that time has allowed me to create an intricate tapestry of lifetime friendships, unforgettable memories, and life-changing lessons. I have worked hard and partied hard. I have laughed till I cried and have cried because I missed laughing.  I have learned lessons and taught lessons. Some lessons, I never understood.  I have grown with those around me, and yet I am still at the beginning of my growth. I have come a long way, but I have such a long way to go. I am standing at the beginning, yet I am terrified of the end. Sound familiar? You probably share this story too.

Anyways, I am sharing all of these thoughts  with you because (at some point) YOU have been an important influence in my life. I realize that a lot of the stuff I have stored in my mind was stuff I made with you: stuff that is too precious to ever throw away. Therefore,  I want the people in my life to know that they have inspired my life and the lives of many others. They have contributed to the complexity of my being by eliciting the thoughts in my mind, shaping the curves of my heart, and introducing experiences I needed to live through.  Without you, I could not be me. Without meeting you, I would have never learned the distinct things you shared with me during these college years.

Most of us are facing the confusion and excitement of transition (of change). Some of us fight it, and some of us can’t wait to ride with it. Regardless of our personal relationship with change,  its existence is a guaranteed fact that will subsequently enhance our lives with more people, more experiences, and more opportunities. However, I want you to keep in mind that this coming change does not change the impact you had on me (whether or not we always stay in touch). In a way, change may have introduced you to me, but it can never remove you from me entirely.

My friend, Feruza, once told me, “God places people in your life that you need, not necessarily people that you want.” It is absolutely true!  At every given point, every person in your life (despite how long they remain in your life) can help you get to where you need to be. Think about it: people need to reject you before you notice that some people accept you. People need to hurt you before others can help you. People need to betray you before you can find stability within yourself. People need to make you insecure before you can challenge your self-view. People need to break your heart before you can rebuild it even stronger. People need to disagree with you before you can confirm or change your own beliefs. People need to make you angry before you can learn forgiveness. Ultimately, we are the sum of these people (regardless of whether we liked them or not).

I guess what I am trying to say is: I am a sum of all the things YOU brought to my life, and I am going to miss you when we part our ways. I love you all and I really hope the best for everyone. Thank you so much for being a part of me; for being a person that I needed, wanted, and loved.

 Oh yeah, and about that spring cleaning… aside for a couple of negative boxes, I didn’t end up throwing anything away. I realize that everything is exactly where it should be. 

The Problem with Love

“One heart is complicated. Two hearts multiply the complication by 2.  True love prevails through all complication.”

I have finally realized that the problem with love is that most people don’t know what the hell it is, and yet they use the word openly. They say “I love you” when they cannot stop thinking of the other person, when their heart races in their presence, and when they can’t stop smiling from the thought of them. All they want is to be near that person all the time…forever and ever. They want the “unexplainable feeling to last forever,” and they promise to do anything to make it last. But I have come to the conclusion that this fairytale idea manifested in every movie and song is nothing more than a recipe for heartbreak and countless failed relationships.

In a way, we stay in a relationship when love’s show is entertaining. But once it gets boring, we leave and throw away our ticket stubs. We don’t see the point in staying because there is nothing interesting to entertain us anymore. We hop from theater to theater in hopes of finding the perfect show or movie that never ends, that always makes us laugh, and that always gives us that loving feeling…forever and ever. But once we reach intermission, we may suddenly find ourselves “falling out of love” …giving us the cue to leave once again.  In the end, we are in relationships for our own pleasure, not the other person’s pleasure. We are in love to feel love for ourselves, rather than give love. Sooner or later, the truth unfolds: no matter what we tell the other person and how much we express “our love” and “our deep concern for their well being and true happiness,” we are really only in love with the show and not them. We may have felt love, but in terms of truly loving…we haven’t even started.

So what is the secret to everlasting love? Why do so many people have problems with love? What is the secret ingredient to loves that last a lifetime versus loves that end? The secret is the actual meaning of love, which is too often overlooked.

The popular misconception: love is romance, candlelight, and passionate kisses under starry skies has a limited life course of its own. Most everyone eventually finds out that this conception never lasts for eternity, and they often face disappointment once it ends. In fact, the real timeless tale of true love is sparsely bounded in books, sung in songs, and recorded on film. Rather, the understanding of true love is whispered to only some hearts after countless teardrops, unhappily ever afters, and so called “faded feelings.”

At one point or another, before or after marriage, most of us eventually learn that love is more than a feeling. Instead, love is a choice and action freely made. It exists with or without the exciting feeling. It exist whether or not “it is the right time.” It exists despite the person’s imperfections and despite waves of boredom that inevitably occur. I am not saying feelings are not a component of love. They almost always accompany love, especially in the beggining. I am just saying that feelings, alone, do not define love, and yet we define love through our identified feelings. Ironically, it is only when the “feeling fades,” that true love can prove to exist or not.

In fact, surpassing the exciting feelings is the greatest opportunity to truly love and grow: to actively care, to actively stay with the other person, to actively sacrifice, and to actively be there for the other person through thick and thin. Even when it seems we have “fallen out of love,” true love withstands the test of time, the bumpy roads, and the inevitable faded excitement. It remains seated long after the show.

But isn’t that settling?

Hold that thought… I may not physically see you from this page, but I know what you are thinking. Yup, I thought exactly like you: you want the excitement! You believe that there is someone out there just for you that will always excite you! You want thrills and romance! And you refuse settle for anything otherwise! Because if you do, you are not loving yourself, and you are not finding your soulmate! The ONE! You are not living the fairytale that is written just for you! The fairytale written by the invisible pen called hope.

You ask, “Wait! what is the problem with wanting these things?”

Well, let me ask you: what’s the problem with love?

You may have to read this again in order to discover.